We must break the cycle of dysfunction in black relationships!

Today, I feel the need to address some of the many dysfunctions taking place in many black relationships, because that subject seems to be everywhere on my feed.
One of the biggest conflicts we have in the black community is the issue of gold diggers and women looking for a come-up. Well, the facts remain that black women own more businesses and are mostly carrying the load as head of household in most of the homes in the black community. I’m very conflicted about this issue because I have 2 daughters. While I may be heavily involved in my daughters’ lives as a father, I have also taken into consideration the fact that I’ve met few black women who grew up with their father. Having said that, I saw the destruction in my own relationships with many black women, due to the fact that their father was absent in their lives, so I make it my number one duty to make sure my daughters understand the very important role that I play in their lives. For me to neglect to teach my daughters their worth, I would fail as a father. I work hard to provide everything that my daughters need, and I expect them to find a man who can hold his own, once they decide to start dating. To call them gold diggers because they want to be with a man who can provide for their family, is one of the biggest failures in the black community. No woman should have to put up with financial struggles, unless she created them for herself. It is utterly stupid, I believe, for any established woman to date a man who is a project. What kind of project is he? What’s going to be the end result? How do you assess a man’s potential? The man my daughter brings home to meet me at 22, is not going to be the same man I expect her to bring home at 30 years old. There’s no room for potential once a man reaches 30 years old. He should have an idea of where he wants to go in life. Too many black women are forced into a position of guilt, as it relates to black men with potential, because of their own personal success. Let’s stop trying to figure out people’s potential after they reach the age of 30. That’s 12 years after graduating high school, which is plenty of time for someone to find himself. No person should rely on potential while dating someone after the age of 30. This also applies to black women, because there are some men out there who believe in equality, when it comes to relationships. Removing tradition from the dynamics of black relationships have done nothing but hurt us, but to each his own. A lot of black women are forced to believe they are feminists, because not enough men are stepping up to the plate to take on the role of men in their relationship. Money doesn’t necessarily define head of household in my book. Leadership is far more important.
My love for black women is undeniable, but I also know that black women have many issues that they deal with on a daily basis, as it relates to black men. Both, black men and women, are dealing with complexities that most psychologists can’t be provided with a solution. Our dysfunction stemmed from slavery, and they have grown over the years as the black family continue to deal with added issues from systemic racism that compound our already dysfunctional state. The primary goal of most white politician is the disruption of the black family. We have had too many people elected to the oval office based on their racist views, and legislation they presented that have impacted the black family negatively. Nixon, Reagan, Clinton, and now Trump, just to name a few of the presidents who have made the incarceration of black men a priority. While many black women can attest to the injustice that most black men face in America, but none will ever know how it really feels to be a black man. I’m not making excuses for black men, but facts are facts, we are targeted as election prop every 4 years. Each president goes to the next extreme to ensure their election. Destroying the black man is the quickest way to get white supremacy riled up, and the easiest way to the presidency.
While we all know it takes a man to teach a boy how to be a man, many black males have never gotten the chance to reach the plateau of their manhood to become a complete man. In short, we have a lot of boys acting like men, trying to raise boys into men. There lies the problem with the black women having so many issues with black men. The absent father phenomenon has always been a myth implanted into the brains of most black people to begin with. I’m not discounting the fact that some black men are not involved in their children’s lives, because that’s also fact, but the research numbers often lie to implicate and suggest that the black man is irresponsible, which makes it okay for society to easily criminalize the black man. Now, let’s move on to the issues faced by the black woman, as it relates to relationships with the black man. I’m no psychologist, but we all know that most little girls adore their father first, before any man. I’m talking about those involved fathers. Most little girls allow their fathers to set the bar for the man they will marry in life, even if the father is not the best man that he can be. There is plenty of blame to go around, but a man can’t be there for his children, if the system designs a specific plan to take him away from his family. There are so many ways that the black man is forced away from his family, but we can start with something as simple as child support. First of all, child support go hand in hand with welfare assistance, section 8 and any other public assistance a woman may receive from the government. If a woman is receiving public assistance from the government, she’s mandated to tell the government who her baby’s father is. Doing so, forces the man to not only answer to the judicial system and law enforcement authorities, but he’s also responsible for the woman’s decision to apply for assistance. We can’t ask black women to do something that they don’t know, or have no experience whatsoever in it. When a woman grows up with a mother who’s on welfare, the chances of her being on welfare as a mother herself, is multiplied 10 folds. She’s going to emulate the very things she grew up with. Why would a woman pay $1200.00 a month for an apartment, when she knows section 8 paid almost 80% of her mother’s rent while she was growing up? Why would a woman want to go to work, when she’s well aware that her mother has managed to survive on public assistance? In addition, when her mother decided to finally get a job making just a few dollars above the poverty line, her welfare assistance was cut off. While this may seem to be a smart move on the part of the woman, they can’t seem to attach the long term effect of an absent father to the major problem of children growing up without their fathers. No man should be responsible for taking care of a woman’s every need, just because he has a child with her. His sole responsibility should be that child , and that child alone. Unless, of course, they are married, and then he should be responsible for his family. Now, I’m not advocating that a woman should be responsible for the action of a man, but in most cases, men end up being responsible for the actions of women. When a woman decides to have a child without the consent of a man, that man has to assume the responsibility of a child that he may or may not be prepared to deal with. He’s forced to become a father, even if he has made it clear to a woman he’s not ready to be a father. Men have absolutely no input in the decisions women make when it comes to having kids.
We can also address the fact that some people choose to be spiteful, instead of putting their differences aside and children first. We can’t expect people to deal with situations that their own family hadn’t been privy to in a functional manner. Meaning, if you came from a home where conflict resolution was nonexistent, how in the world are you supposed to learn to deal with conflicts? We are so ill-equipped when it comes to dealing with relationship issues, the only way we react to situations is to follow in the footsteps of what we have been exposed to. Most often, it’s never good for the relationship, and it usually weakens the relationship. Screaming, yelling, calling each other names, and acting petty, are some of the ways that some black people deal with mature situations in a relationship. We have too many immature people trying to get into mature relationships, but think that they’re grown because of their age. Some people believe they are mature in relationships, just because they are successful in their professional life. That’s total bullshit! Lawyers, doctors, scientists, accountants, professional athletes can all be found behind bars for being petty in relationships. Sometimes the relationship is just over, and we must come to that realization. No matter how petty we act, it’s not going to fix a broken relationship. It takes 2 mature adults to understand this, and dragging someone to court to get the white man to assert control over your lives, is not going to fix that relationship.
Another issue that some black women don’t really think about, is the fact that most states now suspend driving privileges of fathers who fall behind on child support. If a man has no way to get to work, how is he supposed to provide for his child? Okay, we can say the bus is an option, but that’s not always the case. In grave circumstances, some men face incarceration for falling behind on child support. How is a man going to take care of his child if he’s locked up? All these decisions that affect men usually come from women. When men and women are in a room having sex, most of the time, it’s a mutual agreement between 2 people without any cops, judges, or lawyers present. If a man goes to insert his penis inside of a woman without a condom, usually that decision is mutual as well. No man can force himself inside a woman without it being a rape situation. The woman always has the option and choice to say, “no glove, no love.” At the same time, a man also has the right to wear a condom, or face the consequences of being a father. We must also realize that some men are bums in nature. A lot of women tend to overlook the bum tendencies in a man for their own personal and sexual gratification. You see, the decision to have sex is usually the most mutual and easiest decision to make. However, the complications arise when emotions are involved and pettiness kick in to the point of control. Once a woman is pregnant, the man has no control over the situation. I wish more men were smart enough to recognize this, and understand that giving up control of your life to a woman is also a poor decision on your part. Only weak men put themselves in positions where their lives are controlled by women. A woman can smell a weak man from a mile away. Money does not make a man strong. As a matter of fact, a lot of men with money are the weakest people you’ll find on this earth, and smart women know how to manipulate them. A man can ask a woman to terminate a pregnancy all he wants, but he has no control over her body. It is up to her to decide if she wants to bring a baby into this world, whether he wants the baby or not. We have a revolving door of issues where both sides play a major role in the dysfunction of the black community, but both sides want to play the victim. We have women who try to emulate the same bullshit that their mother did, thinking their mother did the right thing as a parent, even if she struggled to raised her children the right way. And then we have a bunch of boys thinking they are men just because they are above 18 years old, with the ability to get an erection and have sex with a woman, and watched their boyish father telling the world how much of a man he is.
In order for us to break the cycle of destruction and dysfunction in the black community, we have to first recognize those dysfunctions, but we must also be aware of the traps and pitfalls that are in place to destroy the black family. We can continue to talk in circles, and shift the blame whichever way it’s convenient for either sex, but at the end of the day, we have to hold ourselves accountable for changing our ways, in order to make things better for our children. Do you really think Dr. King went to school all these years to become a doctor because he wanted to get shot at 36 years old? Hell no! He wanted to make things better for his children. I know many of you think Dr. King’s children are only those who were birthed by his wife, but that’s not the case at all. We are all Dr. King’s children. He sacrificed his livelihood to make things better for all of us, but we have yet to repay him for his great sacrifice. Every single one of us must look at our family history and decide how we’re gonna make things better for our children, and how we’re going to break the cycle of dysfunction that has broken our families for many generations. It’s a personal responsibility, but we must work together to make the necessary changes to strengthen the black family. As a man, when you meet a woman with daddy issues because her dad was not in her life, that dysfunction will affect your relationship and your own family with that woman. As a woman, when you meet a man who has not had the experience of a good father to teach him the lessons of life, you are basically adopting another child and expect him to be a father to your own children. Children cannot raise other children to be adults. We must all understand the root of our problems, and the role the system plays in making sure the black family remains dysfunctional. It is our duty to change things and do better. Do not bring children into your dysfunctional world! Deal with your dysfunctions, so your children can have a better chance at a normal life.

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