Loving the idea of love…

Normally, I wouldn’t even look at my computer on a Sunday. I refuse to work on Sundays, not because of any religious belief or anything like that, but because I like to lounge around and just rest, or chill at my own will. However, I woke up inspired with a thought this morning because of an article I just read on Rihanna.  Really.

I’m no expert at love, but I can be pretty skillful romanticizing love whenever I decide to take the time to sit down and write a book. It’s mostly fantasy, though, which is the reason why it works so well for my readers. The idea of love is a fantasy for both, men and women. Love is something that most people have the ability to romanticize in their own way, but not everyone can articulate it in a way that can bring clarity to their relationship. As many books as I have written that depicted so many different romantic relationships, I find it difficult to even define what love is to me personally. Unfortunately, too many people show up as their representative in search of love in the beginning of a relationship. Once a person is smitten by a representative, it’s difficult for that person to go back to the truth of who they really are. Showing up as who they are in a relationship from the very beginning, seems to be the most difficult thing for people to do. Gauging potential from a person can be difficult, because it takes time to peel the layers to uncover the truth about a person. We’re not so much in love with the idea of love, but we tend to fall in love with the action of love. A lot of us are walking around empty and in need of fulfillment. Some of us don’t even know what it is, but there are people out there who can examine your needs right away, and they can become skillful chameleons to fulfill your needs. Any need can be romanticized in a relationship, so we tend to fall in love with the idea of a romanticized need fulfilled.

Some people are out there looking for a mother or father figure. When your love shows up in the shape of a caring woman who can nurture you in ways that you never experienced, it can automatically trigger your mind to believe that this person is what you’ve wanted and needed all your life. In fact, you can take their caring ways and start to romanticize it in your head, without even opening your eyes to the flaws of the person. If that one need is fulfilled in the relationship, we tend to internalize it as love. It’s no different than a caring man showing up in the life of a woman who suffered from “absent father syndrome.” If that man treats her well, and is always a gentleman in the areas that she’s lacking, she can in turn take that experience and romanticize it to be something that fills a void she has experienced all her life. Most often love takes shape in the wrong way, otherwise the divorce rate wouldn’t be so high, and there wouldn’t be so many single women. There are plenty of men and women out there who want their financial needs met. So, when a person shows up to take care of their financial needs, the gesture is automatically equated to love, even when love doesn’t exist. When people want to fall in love, they tend to “remix” every gesture in their head to find romanticized gestures to fulfill the love that they seek. I’m sure you have heard plenty of women brag about how romantic her guy might be, just because he takes her shopping, away on trips, or just gives her money for no reason. Not too many men are in a position to do these things, so women who meet these rare finds tend to think these are romantic gestures related to love. For some guys, that’s all they know how to do to impress women. They may lack in every other area. That giving gesture is often romanticized in a way that is fulfilling to so many women, even men they aren’t attracted to, can potentially become their partner in love. We tend to label these people “gold diggers,” but the real issue is what they lacked all their lives. When a a girl grows up without a male provider all her life, as her mom struggles to provide the basic necessities for her, she’s growing up with a void that was never filled. No daddy ever walked through the door with bags of toys and clothing for her. It’s an experience she’s lacking, and she will somehow seek to fill that void, and any man that comes along who can make her feel like a princess, instead of a queen, will do. I’m not making a blanket statement here, but a lot of women tend to want to fill that void of an absent father in their personal relationship. There are grown ass women out there looking for a daddy. There are grown ass men out there looking for a mommy as well. I might be one of them. LOL. Contrary to popular belief, not all mothers are loving, and not all women want to raise their children and be mothers.

Love is so subjective, there are people out there who wake up every day in physical pain and abuse, but they somehow translate their pain as love. There’s a huge difference between a translation and a definition. When you translate someone’s ill will toward you as love, you are suffering from a chronic mental illness that keeps you from reality. It’s no different than lying and cheating. People who lie and cheat translate their action in a way that covers the scars and the pain they cause to themselves and others as love. Unfortunately, I have had my share of pathological liars and cheaters. My translation, however at the time, was that I was the better man. She wanted me because I was better than what she already had. A little delusional on my part, you think? I never once thought, “the same way you get them is the same way that you lose them.” I suffered from this chronic mental illness for a while. I haven’t met too many completely detached women in my life. What I mean by that is, I have met plenty of monkeys in the jungle. In the jungle, a monkey won’t let go of a branch, until that monkey gets her hand on another branch. I was always that other branch, until somebody else became the other branch to my relationship. I had to pull myself out of the jungle. Single women are hard to meet. though. A lot of women are only single in their heads, and until they meet the next man that they believe is better than the current man they’re dating. Women are much better at this than men. They are more calculated. I know so many women who live with men that they can’t stand, or are just not in love with anymore, but they won’t leave until they find security in another relationship. Most men aren’t built that way. We’ll leave a relationship even if it’s gonna hurt us financially.  I don’t want to deal with any woman who’s not completely single anymore. That player mentality bullshit is for the birds, because Karma don’t play that shit. There are so many people out there who are afraid of being by themselves, not necessarily alone, but it is sickening how they are defining love. They hold on to pain, heartache, resentment, infidelity, mistrust and so much more, until they can find deliverance in a new person. No such love can exist if someone didn’t let go long enough of their pain to heal. The mirror is a mother, but it’s the best reflection of reality. Too many people are afraid to look at the man/woman in the mirror. The most simple answers and solutions can be found in the mirror. When we translate our pain to serve our needs, we tend to correlate it with love. When we define our position in a relationship to fill a void, we embrace it as love. Some women are so blinded to love, they’d romanticize a simple gesture like “a guy sending them flowers,” to berate a husband who pays the mortgage, utilities and all the other important needs in their lives.  Do you know how many woman are out there cheating because they don’t think their husband or partner is romantic enough? If what you feel you’re lacking is romance in your life, any Joe will do. A dozen roses and dinner at a fancy restaurant for one night cannot replace the hard work and dedication that your husband may have to his family. Flowers and a meal simply do not equal to a roof over your head, a warm house, running water, electricity and stability. Having sex in the car or getting spontaneous head from some random horny chick looking for excitement is not equaled to the stability that your wife brings to your home. People are so shortsighted sometimes, they screw up love.

I honestly believe that true love can only happen once in a lifetime, but acceptable love can take place over and over again. Men and women tend to change their standards as they get older, because most often, they are looking for acceptable love after their desired fantasy of love wane. They might’ve messed up real love at some point in their lives, but now acceptable love will do. Their desired partner used to have to meet a certain height, weight, educational level, beauty standard and so on, but as father time takes over, those standards are thrown out the window, because acceptable love is just fulfilling enough. The slightly overweight person is sweet all of a sudden. The woman with a smaller butt is kind. The shorter man is generous. The guy with the oval head is cute now. And the changes to that list go on forever. No one has ever beaten father time, not even in love. We all grow with time, and our standards and taste tend to change over time. Still, we always manage to attach love to the changes that take place in our lives, and we romanticize everything to fulfill our need for love.

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